Miserere Mei Deus

A most moving episode of my childhood was the moment I heard the Miserere Mei Deus by Allegri. The 17th century sung version of Psalm 51 is a heartbreaking piece of music. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart wrote the piece from memory after hearing it in a church.

This version was sung by the choir of King’s College, Cambridge.

Miserere mei, Deus: secundum magnam misericordiam tuam.
Et secundum multitudinem miserationum tuarum, dēlē iniquitatem meam.
Amplius lavā me ab iniquitate mea: et peccato meo mundā me.
Quoniam iniquitatem meam ego cognōscō: et peccatum meum contra me est semper.
Tibi soli peccāvī, et malum coram te fēcī: ut justificeris in sermonibus tuis, et vincās cum judicaris.
Ecce enim in inquitatibus conceptus sum: et in peccatis concepit me mater mea.
Ecce enim veritatem dilexisti: incerta et occulta sapientiae tuae manifestasti mihi.
Asperges me, Domine, hyssopo, et mundābor: lavābis me, et super nivem dēalbābor.
Auditui meo dabis gaudium et laetitiam: et exsultabunt ossa humiliata.
Averte faciem tuam a peccatis meis: et omnes iniquitates meas dele.
Cor mundum crea in me, Deus: et spiritum rectum innova in visceribus meis.
Ne projicias me a facie tua: et spiritum sanctum tuum ne auferas a me.
Redde mihi laetitiam salutaris tui: et spiritu principali confirma me.
Docebo iniquos vias tuas: et impii ad te convertentur.
Libera me de sanguinibus, Deus, Deus salutis meae: et exsultabit lingua mea justitiam tuam.
Domine, labia mea aperies: et os meum annuntiabit laudem tuam.
Quoniam si voluisses sacrificium, dedissem utique: holocaustis non delectaberis.
Sacrificium Deo spiritus contribulatus: cor contritum, et humiliatum, Deus, non despicies.
Benigne fac, Domine, in bona voluntate tua Sion: ut aedificentur muri Jerusalem.
Tunc acceptabis sacrificium justitiae, oblationes, et holocausta: tunc imponent super altare tuum vitulos.

Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy loving kindness:
According unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.
Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.
For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.
Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.
Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.
Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.
O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise.
For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem.
Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.

The abyss

The sun is warm. I am standing on the edge of a cliff. This same cliff that has witnessed so much drama, happiness, excitment, anger, fear and despair. 

On this cliff, young wives have contemplated their imminent widowhood. The dark and far carcass of a once prideful frigate sinking with lives and uproars amidst the enraged ocean. Tomb to so many husbands, fiances and fathers.

Ooh Cliff!  Young suicides have laid their lives on your altar. Lovers have lost their innocence on your fresh and green grass hair.

From your edge, I see the sea. I can smell its iodised, cold and salted wind. I can feel its mood and power.

The wind blows in my hair but I could not care less. I am on the edge of an abyss.

Be with me always, take any form, drive me mad! only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh, God! it is unutterable! I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!”    Heathcliff.

Time

Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible.

Truth rather alleviates than hurts. It will always bear up against falsehood as much as oil does above water. Truth inhibits shame. Truth covers with glory and forgives. Truth is closure. Relief.

It is often said that the discipline of desire is the background of character. But then, those who survive the original sin shall be in heaven. It is not about “non-desire”. It is about overcoming the sin. It is about standing tall after the fall.

How many mistakes are we allowed in our lives? Do we always regret them? Are they so bad?

Some people want to make mistakes in order to learn from them. Some others avoid them at all cost. Mistakes are the luxurious cherry of time. It is about losing the sense, behind the enormous value of a minute.

I breathe and relax a nerve.

I live in the quiet, joyous expectation of good.